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Please note that the memories and artwork contained herein are copyrighted 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 |
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No, you were never replaced by Bolko. Never, never. Sending you to military school seemed like the best way to keep you out of more trouble. Little Margret's pregnancy could have destroyed both of your lives, so the secret had to be kept. How well do you think you could have dealt with having a child at 11 or 12 years old? I don't think we intended to always keep it a secret. It seems to me that we also told you when you were old enough to handle the truth. All the same, I'm sorry for what happened and I'm sorry that it hurt so many people. I know that Bolko knew you were his father. I don't like keeping secrets. Perhaps that's why I'm so honest and open in this life--I had to keep too may secrets in the past. I think I had to do a lot of things I didn't like to do because of Papa. It seems that by the time I got around to confronting Bolko with the truth he already knew. Perhaps, like Lothar, he had overheard some conversation, or someone else had already told him. When I think of him I am reminded of a saint. He was so patient and understanding about much that would have driven anyone else insane. His whole life was riddled with tragedy, war, loss, and yet he took it all with grace. I remember him as always a gentleman. He was handsome, ambitious, and strong willed. You have no reason to feel guilty over him. He blammed you for nothing. He loved you and admired you and he spent the rest of his life trying to retrieve those things of yours and Lothar's that were lost in the 2nd war. I do remember that.
Oh, ask Lothar if he remembers getting arrested after the war for getting drunk at a pub and making a scene. Somehow I remember Papa having to bail him out of some such trouble. That all came to me in a flash last night. So, is he still mad at me? I noticed he has not made any moves to write to me yet. I feel bad about that. I've always felt guilty about Lothar, as if I really let him down somehow. I don't think I stood up for him as much as I should have.
There has been something that has been upsetting me for some time now that I want to ask you about. I don't know if you have the answer, but Lothar might. Do you know about how Papa died? I get the sick feeling that he might have killed himself but I'm not sure. I get very upset about this still. It's caused me a lot of problems in this life. I feel that he really let me down, that he gave up on life and his family. It may have been that he was ill and could have fought harder to stay alive, but I seem to remember that he killed himself. Is this true? I hope that it is not.
I remembered something else the other day. Emil had mentioned that we had sort of hiding place or secret compartment in the floor under the piano. Didn't we also have one in the wall in the dining area? I think it was in a wood panel we could remove. I think that's where we stashed away important documents, things of great monetary value, etc.. It's weird the things I remember somehow. Why can't I remember some of the bigger things? Do you find this is often the case with you?
Thanks for the pictures. God, I hate seeing myself old. I guess I mostly remember being young. Funny, but there's something I remember about that little model airplane that man gave to me. In this life, my grandfather had a model of that same plane--your plane--in his office. I used to play with it. It always gave me strange vibes, like I'd seen it before. Well, I had.
I believe the woman in black is Else, or at least I've always assumed so. Yes, she did marry, but I don't believe it was a marriage between soul mates. I think it was arranged. I think he was nice to her. I don't get any real negative vibes or anything like that. I just think she may have preferred another? Some of what Emil has told me makes sense where Else is concerned.
About Lothar: I'm sure that all of this is difficult for him too. Please don't push him where I'm concerned. Life was tremendously painful after the war. I think that if I knew then what I know now, I would have seen that Lothar suffered from depression--and not just because of the war. I think that his was chemical in nature rather than circumstancial.
By the way, did you two actually get married, or were you about to be married on your next leave? I thought you were going to be married the week or two after you died. You were going to take Joachim Wolf to be your witness, or so I thought. I find it odd that you never mentioned him at all. You two were close. Lothar was in the hospital, everyone else who had been close to you were gone, but Joachim was like a little brother to you. Do you remember him?
You are right about Margret. She and her family had Jewish blood. That meant, of course, that so did your child with her. I believe she had a son, Manfred. I think I tried to help them by hiding them for a time. I don't know what happened to them later on. I can't remember it all. What I do remember, I'll save for another time. It is Christmas after all and we're supposed to be happy. If you have any specific questions about what happened then, I'd be more than happy to help you in any way I can.
My memories of Margret are very confused. I know she had a very hard time. When I think of her I see a lot of pain and heartbreak. At times, I've thought she lost the baby, at others I seem to see a boy. Perhaps I'm confusing grandchildren? That's always a possibility. Margret has left a very strong impression on my mind. I feel I came to know her well. I think we stayed in touch and helped one another through a difficult time. I see her standing in front of me. She is sad. If she does not want to talk about things now, it's because things are too painful to bring up. I feel that she died young.
I feel that the reason why so little is known of her relationship with you is because of the two of you. At the time, you did not want to drag her into the spotlight, nor get her into trouble with her family. Once you were gone, she needed to heal which meant she needed to drop out of sight for awhile. She was also a bit embarrassed about some things. She was a modest woman, a good woman. If I didn't talk about the two of you in public, it's because she didn't want me to. I liked her very much and I wanted to respect her wishes.
I get the chills when I think of World War II. So many changes, so many horrible things happened. It was even worse than the 1st war. I've been getting this terrible image in my mind over and over again lately. I see a young man in either an SS uniform or Hitler Youth uniform. I believe it is my grandson. He comes up to me to show it off; he salutes me and I either slap him or want to slap him across the face. My heart is broken. Not all members of our family were strong enough to stand up to the Nazis, though I think Bolko, Else and I did. We were devoted to Germany, not Hitler. We took more the stance that Rommel had, and we were always watched.
I keep having these awful dreams. They seem to repeat themselves. I am near a train station and a few SS officers come up to me and push me around. They keep asking me, "Where are they?!" They are very forceful in their manner and relentless. "You know where they are. Tell us where they are!" I am crying and I try to run away. They chase me and then I wake up. In some other dreams, I just know they're following me. I don't always see them, but they're never far away. They are watching me and I never feel safe. They are like the Dark Riders in "The Lord of the Rings." I have something or I know something that they want. They are awful, awful dreams. What do you think they mean?
Yes, I do know about the book. It's titled "Mein Kriegstagebuch." As I was explaining to Emil, I tried to use it in my masters thesis but I could only locate it in Texas at UT. I was too broke to fly out to Texas #1 and, #2, it's in German. I don't read German very well. Not yet. I recently heard that a woman has translated it into English and that it was supposed to have been published this summer. I've been keeping an eye out for it. If the edition you've found is in English, could you please let me know. I've been trying to get my hands on that book for four years. I want to see how much was censored, altered, etc.. When I read about me, I don't feel that others portrayed me as I truly was. Perhaps this book will offer some insight as to what happened, especially after the war. |
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