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Please note that the memories and artwork contained herein are copyrighted 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 |
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Dear Rittmeister, Thanks for your reply. I was so happy to have found your website because I have had some strange past life memories that you might be able to help me to understand. Since I was a small child, I have known that I lived many other lives. I never shared my memories with anyone because I felt that no one would ever believe me. I've known since I was about 6 years old that I lived during the period around World War I, and I felt that I'd lived as a woman in Europe. I have also always held a deep interest in aviation (I almost became a Navy pilot after college). To everyone else, my interest in World War I and aviation has seemed strange and out-of-place because I am such a feminine person. Of course, I could never simply declare that I had lived through World War I lest I be institutionalized.
My memories had always been rather vague until I started my master's degree in English Literature. I chose to write my thesis on World War I literature and spent 4 years doing research on its history. That's when I stumbled upon the faces of Manfred von Richthofen, Kurt Wolf and Werner Voss. I'll never forget how I shook in the library as I realized I had once known these young men. Suddenly I remembered how they looked when they laughed, how close we had all been, and how miserable my life became when they were gone. So many of the faces I had seen in my dreams as a child finally had names, and the sickness I have always felt when the doorbell rings unexpectedly made sense.
From that time onward, I have had more detailed memories. I remember dancing with Manfed von Richthofen at a waltz. The music of Strauss and Rachmaninoff bring out very strong emotions for me and I can envision Manfred wearing a dark blue or black military coat. I also remember riding a bike with him in the country somewhere during the autumn season.
But perhaps the most intense memory for me is an argument we had. In that memory, I am sitting on a couch in some sort of parlor or family room. It is a warm color, either red or brown. It is late afternoon at my parents' house. I'm wearing a white dress with lace, Manfred is wearing his grey uniform with his hat and coat. I am crying and telling him that I cannot bear the stress any longer. I sense even now that I knew I was being completely irrational at the time. I was worried about him and I did not want him to die. I don't know what I was asking him to do. Judging by the look on his face, he did not understand what I was asking of him either. I did not want him to stop flying. I loved him for the man he was and I wanted him to be true to himself. On the other hand, my selfish side wanted him to take a safer position offered to him so that I would not have to worry about him anymore. In other words, I wanted the impossible. Deep down, I wanted him to continue to be the man I had always known him to be, but I was overwhelmed at that moment. As I fell apart in front of him, he asked me what I wanted to do. I'm not sure if I even answered him, but the look on his face was one of devastation as he turned around and walked out of the house. I'm not quite sure what happened after that, but I think I ran after him and apologized for falling apart. I get the sense that we cleared things up.
Dear Rittmeister, What you say is very possible. I was born in 1974, so I may have been your mother. It's difficult for me to know for sure because most of what I know about my past life has come to me in fragments and quick flashes. Sometimes I just get a sense of things--nothing even specific. What I did not mention last time is that I've known that the girl in the Voss family photo was your fiancee, that she had a baby--a boy, I think--and that Bolko was not truly your brother. I could be wrong about all of this, but that's the feeling I've always gotten. While doing my research, I found myself disputing some things I'd come across recorded by various scholars. I simply knew how things were. I can't really explain it all. Words don't suffice. All of this I've known for 3 or 4 years now. I 've had dreams about a big grey or white house. I remember myself young in it, but I have a feeling I lived in it for a long time. So, the memories get mixed up sometimes. I know I had children and I know I experienced the Victorian Age. Ask any friends of mine today, they'll all tell you how old fashioned I can be. Seeing what so many women have become today, I take this as a compliment. I also remember your siblings, though not as well. Lothar had his issues. I do know that. He was brooding. You were always much more friendly and enthusiastic about life. Else was responsible. Bolko was pleasant, like you. It seems I knew you better for some reason. I was a happy person by nature (I still am), so being around you was easier. I know that I was very upset about your funeral--the big state funeral in 1925. I wanted you to be buried in a quiet, private ceremony, and next to your father and brother. I hated the whole charade, and I knew you would have felt the same. All of those "big" people wanted a piece of you, but they never knew you. You, and all the boys like you had been nothing but commodities to them during the war, and your blood was a sort of currency spent carelessly by those fat, arrogant men so they could continue to live lavishly. Never mind what those close to you lost, or how deep or real their grief had been. Certain high officials wanted to jump on the "Red Baron" bandwagon. I also get a very strong, negative vibe regarding Herman Goering. Of course, who doesn't? But I know he caused some problems for me. He was sneaky and manipulative and he wanted something from me. He had your cane, which I resented. I think he wanted a piece of you, too. I don't think I was one of your "lady friends." It seems I knew you too well for that to be possible. In addition, I don't get the feeling our relationship was sexual in nature. It was deeper than that. That's why I was not shocked by your reaction. I'm sorry to have made you uncomfortable. That was not my intention, but I do understand how hard this must all be to digest. It has not been easy for me. Thank God I have a few kindred spirits in this life with whom I've been able to share some of this. They are sworn to secrecy and have had similar experiences as myself. I don't like to dwell on it all too much. I like who I am now, perhaps even better than the person I was then. It's also easier to be a woman today than it was back then. I've been blessed with a happy life. I only pray that we don't throw ourselves into another war. I don't think I could bare to see any more of my men off to war.. |
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Some little details about myself in the past: I loved to play the piano. I had an ear for music--I still do--and I loved to gather everyone around the piano to sing, especially around the holidays. My house smelled like cinnamon and apples, or something like it. Today, when my mother makes her own chunky applesauce, my mind goes back to another time. I think I liked to bake for everyone. I did not care to drink much. I preferred tea and coffee. I think my hair was brown with a hint of red to it. I guess that would make my hair an auburn color. It was wavey, or at least I set it that way. I wore it up as was the fashion. I loved being outdoors and enjoyed walking, hiking, riding my bike and riding on horseback. I believe I was raised in the country around horses. I remember a barn that was kept very clean. It had stone walls. I lived out there with my family before I married. My family was large and very close. They were a very warm and friendly bunch, much like my family is today. In this life, I hated growing up in the city. I found it stiffling. As I am now, I was rather small then. I was not tall and my frame was petite, though I was prone to gaining weight in the hips. Yes, you did give Margret your grandmother's ring. Knowledge of this all came to me in a memory flash about a year ago when my grandmother let me wear an antique ring of hers to a friend's wedding. I believe it was set in white gold. It was very pretty and delicate. For some reason, I'm reminded of a snowflake when I think of it. I could be thinking of the wrong ring. Perhaps that's what my engagement ring looked like, but I do know that you did, indeed, give Margret your grandmother's ring. To be honest with you, it was your memory of having done such that convinced me that you were telling the truth. I was skeptical about your website until I came across that memory. I know that she was pregnant too. After the war, things were extrememly chaotic and depressing. I know that my family fell apart after the war. It was a very difficult time for me and I don't like to think about it. I don't know what happened to Lothar then. I know that he was always getting himself into trouble. You see, he was never the same again after you died. He worried me a great deal. Whoever I was--I'll claim to be no one in particular until I know for sure--I do know that Lothar stressed me out. He did careless things to himself. He also had a chip on his shoulder and bore heavy grudges. Memories of Clutter Collect things? Try everything. You were always a pack rat. I'd find old candy half eaten in drawers stuck to things. You wouldn't throw away anything. How else do you think Else, Bolko, and I were able to put together a museum? You kept all your letters, souvenirs, gifts, etc. Of course, I could not complain to loudly. You were/are just like me. I, too, save everything. This becomes a problem each time I have to move--and I've moved a lot in the last 10 years.
I think Papa did drink a bit too much. That might account for his temper. I don't think Papa was a very strong person. What I mean is this: he could not deal with life's curveballs. Do you remember how you said we went walking together and I had to get something off my chest? I was worried about something I'd heard about you and Lothar? I think I was concerned that the two of you were getting into trouble--you know, getting out of hand, drinking too hard and too often.
Yes, I think I've read just about everything of your childhood memories. Since most of them are about little girls, I don't recognize a lot. I do know this, I caught you once or twice doing things you should not have with your little friends. I'm surprised you still had your behind as an adult. I do remember making you go to church to serve as an altar boy. You hated that and fought me on it. I think I worked desperately to keep you from getting into trouble. Every Sunday was a fight with you kids. You did not want to go to church and you would fight with each other. Even Else got involved in these fights.
I seem to remember you when you were very young with another very young child--a girl--and you were each showing the other your body parts. You know, it was that little game of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." It happens. We all did it. That's what I caught you at. But I think I did catch you when that game got a little out of hand.
I do remember there being a creek or stream near our house. I also remember woods that you used to play in. Of course you were told not to go in it, but you guys did anyway. God, that was a great place to live, wasn't it?
I remember the clothes thrown out the window. Actually, that happened more than once. Else's undergarments were found blowing in the trees one afternoon for all the neighborhood to see. I laughed hysterically when I read your last message because that's one of the things I remember best. I know I was supposed to be angry at such moments, but it was really too funny to get upset over. I think I had a sense of humor about such things. It was Papa who was more anal about life.
As far as the neighbors were concerned, of course they must have thought we were crazy. But who cares about that? No one could ever blame us for being dull. I think Lothar is pulling your leg a bit too. I don't remember the two of you drunk and naked in the front yard. I do remember watered-down liquor in the good crystal decanters though. Papa hit the roof over that.
Do you remember how much you and Lothar used to torture your sister? Somehow, I remember that you two had shaved all the hair off of her dolls. Please forgive me if you have that in your website somewhere, but I have not read all of it. If you did not shave the hair of Else's dolls, then you probably removed their heads. But you definately did something to them. You two were monsters. Yes, I was upset by much of what you spoke of, not because I'm prudish, but because that's not how I remembered you. I guess you did keep a lot of secrets from me. Most upsetting to me were your memories of military school. Why didn't you say anything about that? You never would have stayed there if you had. Yes, I did play Christmas carols on the piano. My favorite was "Nun singet und seid froh." I also liked "Wach, Nachtigall, wach auf." Do you and Lothar remember those? Did my bedroom have a fireplace? I think it was quite impressive with a large mirror. Every time I think of that house I miss it. I don't think I'll ever live in anything like it in this lifetime. Could you please send me a drawing of the ring? I would love to see it. Does Margret remember anything about the ring? Is she in solid or ghost form, male or female? I know that I liked her for you. I just wished that things could have turned out differently for the two of you with a traditional courtship and marriage. But, of course, the war robbed you of all that. Yes, your father was angry, but can you blame him? You really put the family through a lot with Bolko. We all had to create such facades to keep people from finding out the truth. Things were different back then, and for your sake as well as little Margret's and Bolko's, no one could ever know the truth. With Margret Voss it was as though it was all happening again. More secrets to keep and more migraine headaches for Papa and me. My God, the Richthofen family was like something out of a Henry James novel. The cut of the stone is not quite how I remember it--it was a diamond cut, not an emerald cut; but the setting is similar. If it wasn't a diamond, it was a garnet or ruby. Does that sound right to you? I know that it did not look like a traditional Tiffany setting that is so popular today. But, the ring is pretty much how I pictured it. I have been exchanging emails with Emil, the Leutnant. In fact, he just sent me a very complimentary message today. I get a very good vibe from him and it seems that the ring I remembered is the one he gave to me to keep for Else. He wanted to marry her. Things are beginning to come together for me. Do you remember Papa's study? As I've told Emil, I believe it was dark blue, teal, or dark green with dark wood bookshelves to the right of the door. Does that sound right to you?
Memories of Papa's Study Papa's study may have had paneling, but I still feel that half was painted too. I do remember the crystal being there too. He spent much time in that room, didn't he? I think he was a loner. I loved him and I know that he loved me, but he was so aloof. Being with him was emotionally starving sometimes. I guess I learned not to expect too much from him. I can see how you and Lothar felt alienated from him. He kept everyone at arms length. But, he was a good man. I don't get the impression that he ever had mistresses or anything like that. And he did love you all. Perhaps more than you can ever know. I miss him from time to time. Do you remember what we were like as a couple? Did we seem happy? When I think of him, my heart feels sad. Do you know why that may be?
He was such a handsome man, especially when he was young. I remember how I found him so sophisticated, so stoic and graceful. You and Bolko took after him in looks. Else and Lothar took after me, but they got his tall height.
Reaction to Manfred's difficult Boelcke Memories It's funny, whenever I've read about Boelcke in the historical books and biographies I've always experienced a rather sickening feeling in my stomach--kind of like the one I experience when I think of my ex-boyfriend, etc. So what could that possibly mean? The answer to me is quite simple: Boelcke was an ass. That's how I remember him. Kind of two-faced or something along those lines. He must have insulted you or hurt you. I never took too well to other people hurting my kids. I believe that your instincts regarding him are correct. And, yes, I have seen "her" website. Again, I got the same old feelings. Perhaps she hasn't changed much. I sense a little jealousy coming from her. Thanks for the picture. Where have you found all of these pictures? Every time I see pictures of the family they are always the same ones. Tell me, did I dress all of you boys like girls? Was that the style? If so, you must have hated it so I must apologize. No wonder you chased after the girls they way you did. You must have been overcompensating.
Reaction to Lady in Blue Dress I've been meaning to tell you something, but I keep forgetting to do so. You know that memory you have about a woman in a blue dress at a cafe? I think she was the stenographer who helped you to write your book--or should I say dictate your book? It sounds like her according to your description. What do you think? If that was her, shame on you for sleeping with her. You were with Margret then. No, you're right about the stenographer. She did have blonde hair. In that case, I'm not sure who the other woman is. She does sound familiar though. You did have some girlfriends besides Margret, so she may have been one of them. Yes, Lothar used to throw things around when he got upset. He would do that when he was frustrated. That's when he used to act up a lot. When he was frustrated and angry. I did listen to the music box tune. I don't know what it is but I know that I have heard it before. I'll sing it to my grandmother. She might know what it's called.
Memories about Papa I want you to know that you (Manfred) were important to your father. He just did not know how to show affection. He wasn't raised with it and, therefore, he did not know how to give it. I, too, learned not to expect much from him. As I said before, I made concessions. He was very proud of you and Lothar. I only wish he could have told you so himself. Your death destroyed him. He was never the same after that. I think he regreted all the things he'd never said to you. And even by that time, his relationship with Lothar was so far gone that he never approached Lothar. At least not to my knowledge. What do you mean Papa wasn't handsome? Whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, you looked just like him. Yes, you (Manfred) did. There's one picture in particular you need to see of him. He's quite young in the picture and in uniform with all of his medals. He has a goatee and looks about 30 years old. It's funny, but I think I get memories of the two of you mixed up sometimes. He was so often in uniform, and when we were first married, he looked quite a lot like you. He was taller, however, and he usually had facial hair unlike you. I'll see if I can scan the picture and send it to you. Yes, he was stern, but sometimes you kids left him with no choice. You and Lothar were a handful. You really stressed us out. I guess I also knew him in ways the rest of you never did. As for what I said about Papa before, I never said you acted like him. I only said that you took after him physically. Your eyes had more life in them. I don't want to say that Papa's eyes were empty or dead, they just lacked that shine in them that yours possessed. I think you need to see the picture of him when he was young. Of course, there are some ways in which you took after me. I know that. I also never said that I married him for love. Yes, ours was an arranged marriage, but I did grow to love him. I shared my life with him. I had children with him. What do you expect? I could have been married to worse. I did find him attractive. When I see pictures of him when he was younger, I still do find him attractive. He lost a lot of his looks later on. Stress took its toll on him just as it did on me. Ours was never a union of soul mates. I don't miss him as I miss my children. I get upset thinking about him. I feel that he let me down or disappointed me somehow. I don't think that he ever put me first. No, I know that he did not put me first. He was difficult to live with. Life with him was like living on pins and needles. I felt I needed to be perfect all of the time. I still live with that baggage. Lothar was right when he said that I "put up with him." I put up with a lot. More than you will ever know. But, there were some good times and he was, despite his flaws, a decent man. I did love him. Who knows why? As a woman back then, I learned to make concessions. I learned to live with someone even when he disappointed me, to get up every morning and know that he and his children were the focal point of my day. He was my life. You children were my life. Now do you understand?
Formal Dance Memory I think the dance took place early in the war--before things got really bad. In fact, I believe the dance was to raise money for the war effort. I see Papa there with me as well as Lothar, Else, and yourself. I specifically remember dancing with you in your dress uniform while Papa danced with Else. The orchestra was playing a Strauss waltz. It was a beautiful night, the weather was warm and the sky was clear because you could see the moonlight through the open glass doors in which lead to a courtyard. At one point I see Lothar standing near a pillar engrossed in conversation with a few other young men in uniform. The room was enormous and it had large crystal chandeliers, marble pillars bordering the dance floor, a huge stage for the orchestra, and at one end a wide staircase that wound up to a balcony above us. Beyond it was a foyer with large glass doors leading to other rooms. We were having fun together; however, there is a sort of nervous tension in the air. The dance hall--the pillars were of a rose coloured marble and the staircase had gold guilding. I get the feeling I was wearing some sort of plumb-coloured dress of a satin or taffeta fabric. This could have been the same function where you were dancing with the woman who would not look at you. We used to switch partners at these dances. |
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