Reaction Memory
I have had the opportunity to find another individual with memory recall the same as mine except maybe better and he was one of my pilots. From what I understand he was a pilot from the later months of the war. He said he came from a fine Saxon family, but also asked that he not be identified in his present body, so I will do my best to follow his wishes. I will relate the basics of what he told me and the results of that information upon myself.

He remembers Lothar as having a violent side to his nature.
I am already quite aware that Lothar had his negative side. It frustrated me and I often worried about him. I don't think I realized fully how bad things were at times. I missed him and the way he was when we were young. His temper and drunkenness made him an inappropriate choice for Geschwader Commander. I left the note because I wanted some say in who would follow me, and Reinhardt really cared about the men besides being capable of doing the job. I have heard from two sources that Lothar was unhappy with me for not naming him as commander.

He remembers the men despising me.
This one hurt. I did not know that they despised me. I was depressed for the rest of the day after reading this part of this man's memories. I knew that something was different after Werner died and that I felt isolated. The men that served with me from the beginning until Werner's death were the closest to me.  Those early months with Jasta 11 we all grew to be good friends. My heart tells me that the men of the early months of Jasta 11 and Jagdgeschwader 1 were my friends and did care about me. That is true. This particular gentleman joined the Geschwader in the later months and remained with them during the period that he died during Reinhardt's command. Upon listening to what this man remembered I can kinda see why they thought I was a jerk.

He remembers being handed photos of me.
This was one of the reasons why the guys were irritated with me. The high command had photos of me handed out to people, and it cost a great deal of money.  Money that could have been spent on ammunition.  Though I wonder if maybe paper was more available than gun powder.  I find it kinda embarrassing to think that pictures of me were handed out to my own men.  The man said that pictures were even given to my brother!  I don't think I was aware of this.

He remembers that I was isolated from everyone
I remember being isolated but not as much as he was saying. I have a feeling that I do not remember much about being with the pilots during the later months. I had migrain headaches at times that were so bad that I was just simply awful to people. At times I couldn't even see. The only times I was happy during those months were when I was with Margret. High command sent me to (I think) Schlangenbad to recuperate at times, and I think I stayed at the large yellow hotel that is there.  It was too expensive for me to stay there this life time.

He remembers that I got an oil lamp in my quarters and no one else did.
I don't remember this, but I know I had light when I needed it. Lothar said that this was true, but on the other hand if anyone wanted to write a letter or read something, I would have let them use my space to do so.

He remembers that I got better food than everyone else.
I don't remember this either. I am peculiar in that I would just as soon rather go without something than eat something that I don't like. In previous lifetimes, I would refuse to eat stuff and my companions would have to trick me into eating stuff by saying it was something else. I would eat clover instead of a cat or dog. I am still picky about what I eat, so there may be some truth in this. Perhaps I was not eating because the food was nasty or contaminated.

He remembers me one night getting drunk with the guys and toasting them as the best group of fighters and I owed them for part of my total score and that I got in big trouble for telling them that by high command. I also told them at that point that I had only 64 actual downed planes to my name. It was also that night that he changed his mind about me and realized that I was being used just as bad as the others just in a different manner.
This explains several things to me. I think I stopped collecting silver cups when the victories were not really all mine. I wasn't about to lie to myself, and I hated lying to the others. I also had strange feelings about the number of kills towards the end that ended in the plane and pilot both being burnt up. That wasn't my shooting style. Most of my true victims did not go down burning in planes. I figure that those were the perfect choice ones to steal from other pilots because I couldn't go out and claim a piece of the plane and the enemy pilot was dead and couldn't say anything to the contrary.

If I sat myself down and looked through the books and records of the accounts of the people I shot down, I could probably tell you who is and who is not. I am damn near certain that the last pilot, Mr. 80, the Rhodesian gentleman, was indeed shot down by myself. I was so happy the next day. You'd be happy too if you could be honest for a moment about the credit you were being given and knowing that the next day you would be flying off to ask for the hand of the woman that you loved. 

Update: 10/15/06 - Since writing this section I know I have come across evidence remarks by high command officials that I had tried to share my kills with my men, and I was told that was not allowed. I have also come to realize that I started a system of payback to various people that had lost their victories to me. So, Mr. Norman Franks and the rest of you folks who like to have fun with the hard data, when I am screwing around with the victories to pay people back and was given victories that were not mine,..... Of course things will not add up or seem wrong! I had to alter things to make it up to those that I flew with. It was the right thing to do.