The Nurse Memory
This memory flash came in bits and pieces until it became more clear. This memory is rather uncomfortable and disturbing for me. I get the impression that it has been bothering me, but I have been trying to ignore it.

My head hurts. It hurts on the farthest point out and back. It must be the bullet wound. I'm in a strange room. It is rather dark. It looks like late afternoon or early evening. I am lying down. The ceiling looks far away to me. The room has a grey blue lighting about it. Quiet and gloomy. I see a nurse looking down at me. She is Katie O. I recognize her from the photos that I have seen. I don't know her. Somethimes I see Margret dressed in the nurse's uniform. I want to hold Margret. I think I hold my arms out to reach Margret. I have strong strange confused feelings about Katie O.

I am hurt and angry with her yet she seems like such a nice person. I think and feel that she took advantage of me while I was there. I think I had sex with Katie thinking that she was Margret. This upsets me because I was already in love with Margret and wanted to be true to her. The whole incident makes me feel guilty and yet I feel like I didn't fully realize that Katie was not Margret. I believe this is the reason why I did not want her along when I visited Jasta 11. I was angry with her and was afraid she would say something that would get back to Werner and he would be disappointed with me and tell Margret. I doubt if I ever confronted her with this incident because I don't think she meant it to be an offense. She was not a bad person. Like I said earlier this topic makes me feel uncomfortable.

I had thought that this was the only event of this kind with her, but after talking with an old friend, I later started getting more memories and here is what I recalled.

The room is different and brighter and much smaller. I think there were only two or three beds in the room. My bed was next to the wall to my left lying down and to my right on the wall behind the head of the bed was the window. A table like a night stand stood under the window and the other bed was on the other side of it. I think that is the bed that Kurt got afterwards.

I think I have been just given some strong medicine/pain killers and I feel weird. It is difficult to move. It is the dizzy feeling one gets between being awake and about to fall asleep. I have been dressed in PJs. (Just like in the picture of me in the hospital.) She comes in. I know it is the nurse and she is not Margret. At this point I think I am unsure as to whether the first event actually took place or not. She looks at me sternly/coldly in the eye for a few minutes and then straightens out the bed covers and such.

She runs her hand across my chest while looking at me. I look at her and either ask or wonder what she is doing. She tells me that she is making sure that I am okay. I look at her funny because I know it was only my head that was injured. She is sitting on the side of the bed now. Her uniform is so neat and orderly. She continues to look at me and I am having difficulty in staying awake with clear thought then she starts moving her hand across my belly and then lower. This kinda wakes me up and I look at her. I don't know whether I gave her a funny look or I actually said something. I'm not certain of her exact words but the basic idea was that I could not stop her and this was good for me.

I tried to ignore her and fall asleep. She then pulls down covers and then pulls down the front of my PJ pants. She starts stroking me to get me erect. I think she was having some difficulty and I was having some difficulty trying to figure out why she is doing this. Something happens and much to my dismay I became erect. I felt extremely dizzy as if the room was about to spin or tip. I saw her her take an extra glance at the door/doorway? and then climb on top of me.

She kept looking at me intently. I'm not really sure what she wanted from me. I couldn't do anything and I didn't really want to because of Margret. With her hands rubbing up and down my chest, (I was in a semi sitting up position), she finally made me submit to pleasure. Maybe that's why she kept staring at me so intently. She carefully got off of me and kissed me saying that I should feel better and that she would take care of me. She seemed so sincere. I couldn't tell whether she realized what she had done was unfair and not my wishes. She adjusted the covers and I fell unconscious.

I think when I heard that Kurt Wolff had been injured that I requested strongly of someone that he be put in my room. I didn't want to be alone in that room.

After having read this memory another old friend found a book that was of interest to me. It discussed many of the sexual events that I have talked about. Not the exact ones, but mentioned that during the First World War that these activities took place. I have been told by a publish author that these sexual activities would have never happened during that time, well, this book was originally published during the war by a German professional. So much for author that claim to be experts...... The book that I have is called Sexual History of the World War by Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld. From what I have read it seems that all sides had various sexual activities that are not socially acceptable during the our present late 1900's. It is in Chapter 3 that discusses the behavior of the nurses. I do not necessarily agree with their conclusions as to why women behaved they way they did during the war, the apparent sexual promiscuity. But at least I do have some form of documentation that the nurses did tend to do things other than change bandages and fix sheets.