Please note that the memories and artwork contained herein are copyrighted 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008

When this life first surfaced, I had originally thought that I was a novice nun, but when more memories came through later, I realized that I was never a nun, but that I had lived with nuns during the last years of my life during that time period.  This is my least favorite life that I can remember.

 I hated being female. There are some very sad reasons for this. I had originally thought that this lifetime was just that I had been a nun and led an uneventful life. 

The earliest impressions of this lifetime was that I had grown up in a large greyish brown large stone fortress style castle. I was the daughter of the Lord of the castle, and I was the lively child of this noble couple. I was the type of child that ran through the halls gleefully. I had long blonde hair and was very light on my feet. I was somewhat of a "Tomboy" in that I took interest and delight in the manly activities that my father and his soldiers practiced while still being dutifully aware of what my mother expected me to learn. I believe I had been very happy. I also believe that my parents were very proud of me. They had plans for me to wed into another noble family. For some reason, I believe that this was a very big deal. 

I was about thirteen years old and was supposed to be married in about a year. I get the impression that I did not mind this idea at all. I loved my parents very much. I can not remember whether I had brothers or sisters, but my parents were very proud of me and loved me very much. The castle that we lived in had lush green rolling hills all around it. The day that I recall being outside was overcast much like a normal winter day in the Pacific Northwest. Low white clouds in the air with a gentle rain that made the earth explode with green vegetation.

So how did I end up living with nuns? The following memory flashes will help to explain.

As for whether I told them about who did this....I keep getting two images. First one is that I am am unable to function and I am like the living dead. I don't seem to be able to move, talk, eat, or even understand anything. I see flashes of the room where I was found. The second image I see is the rolling hills outside of the castle. There is a person with long stringy hair, perhaps wet from the rain and he seems to be wearing something greyish, perhaps chainmail. This person is large build with long stringy brown hair. He is moving through the waist high vegetation. Now I see flashes of him laying on a table or slab. He may be dead. I can't tell whether this is friend or foe. There seems to be a great deal of feelings of confusing. I am not certain as to whether both men are the same man. It is hard to stay focused on these memories....and I am generally pretty good on pulling memories out of myself.

I can now easily see the hallway in the castle. There were many hallways, but one I keep seeing. The floors and walls are stone. I see windows that let in light from outside. It is midday. The sky is overcast and cloudy. It is raining. It is much like a day in the pacific Northwest. I can look out these windows since there is now glass. They open to a courtyard bellow. The "windows" are arched. There are arched areas down below in the courtyard that mimic the walls above. The courtyard is lined with grey stone and has something that looks like a stone box planter for flowers to grow in. I would like to say it is a fountain, but it has dirt in it.

Across the courtyard is the direction of southwest. The northeast part of the castle is taller by many (2) more floors, but the southwest corner has only the second or third floor and a walking wall at the top. I can see another hillside just beyond the castle's southwest edge. There are two hilltops and the fortress sits upon the northeast one. It is covered with grass.

The doors are made of heavy wood and have the classic black wrought iron hinges that extend across the body of the door. The doors are also shaped with an arch. For some reason this makes the doors better than regular straight topped doors. My bedroom faces the north west direction. The room in which I was raped in faced the same direction. I think I may have been raped in my room. I am unsure.

The man had dark brown hair, shoulder length, blueish eyes, several days of facial hair growth. His hands were dirty and large. He was wearing grungy looking clothes that were green grey and a dark blue or black. He grabbed me from behind and covered my mouth and hauled me into the room. The glass window was open. The room was cold. The window was like stained glass and had many small panes of soft light brown or golden colored glass. I am struggling with this person and he sets me down and is saying something I don't understand. He has a hold of my upper arms and is holding so tightly that his thumbs are pressing too hard into my flesh. He is shaking me. By modern standards he looks to be 25 to thirty years old.

He shuts the door and leaves me in this room. I pound on the door hoping that he will let me out. I am confused and frustrated.  It seems that I stuck in the room for many hours. It is not until dusk when the three other men show wearing brown cloaks. The actual event is still blocked from running in my mind, but I do know this much. I was raped, and the baby I was carrying was ripped out of my body. My chest and face were slashed with a knife. I was essentially rendered undesireable to look upon or mate with by an sane male.  I do recall waking up on the stone floor. It is very very cold and I think I am suffering from Hyperthermia. The window glass is wide open and the room is cold and damp. I having been bleeding badly. My white chemise is all that I have on and it is torn and wet from the blood and violence.

I believe I would have died if someone had not found me there. It would have been better if I had died. The men who raped me cut up my breast area with a knife and I have flashes of the horribly scarred tissue across my right breast area. They also cut up my face. My arms have small scars all over them too. My mental state was much worse. I did not move. I did not eat, talk, move, bath, dress, or anything. I was this way for a very long time and someone had to take care of me. My parents were heartbroken. They also realized that there was no way that I could be expected to become a wife and mother after such a drastic change in my personality. Looking back at this, it would have been also unfair to the bridegroom to be given a bride in such a mental state.

What happened to the man that betrayed us?  I am uncertain.  I think my family may have hunt him down and killed him.  This was not a common crime.  Unlike what history books say, rape was NOT common.  The only time that a woman could expect unwanted physical contact was when a place was invaded.  The type of rape that occurred then was variable in definition.  Generally it did not involve mutilation or torture of the victim.  Invading soldiers were looking for recreation and not more violence.  What was done to me was extremely unheard of and shocked everyone.  It scarred everyone in the castle.  It brought forth a reaction that which modern people have towards a serial killer.  Pure disgust and loathing.  It would have been better if I had died.

At some point it was decided to have me live with a bunch of nuns. The rape and my previous level of status explains the feelings that the nuns never completely saw me as being one of them. It also explains me feelings that at times they felt afraid or uncomfortable with me. They were kind to me, but something wasn't quite right, and the above incident explains much to me. I also was not expected to do the same things the nuns did. I helped out and did duties mostly because I wanted to, not because it was expected. I also have the impression that the nuns felt sorrow for me. I would wake up in the night crying and screaming from nightmares.

I suspect that this lifetime occurred during the 1300's. My status of having been born as a noblewoman explains why the nuns wished me to be the companion of the noblewoman that came to stay with the nuns for a while. 

She was a lady of quality, education, and high birth. She was older than me by a few years. Perhaps early twenties. I think her hair was long and blonde. We spent a lot of time sitting around sewing and she worked on, I think, a tapestry board? It was like a drafting table that had fabric on it and you sat next to it and sewed on the fabric. She sat by the fireplace on many cold nights doing this. And when the weather was nice, she would go to the window and open it and look out.

I suspect that the stitching that she did was Cross Stitch. I seem to have a knack for it myself this lifetime. An expected hobby for someone who does not generally take to things that are feminine in nature. I also seem to have the need to make my own designs and they are generally quite large like a tapestry. (We shall see how this new hobby turns out. I get teased about it, you know.) 

The nunnery or abby was very much like a castle with high stone walls. During good weather she would stare out the window and watch the men go riding by. Sometimes she would wave. I get the impression that she was waiting for someone. She would get all excited and think the men were so dashing. I thought it would be more fun being out there going riding with them than staying inside all day sewing. What a bore!!  She was a nice woman.

I did not live very long in that life. I believe I got some kind of illness and died. I think I was about 20 years old when I died.

Why would this happen?

Why would three men show up to attack me?  I wonder if they were opposed to the marriage, but the level of violence ...... does not make sense.  Two thoughts come to mind for possible motives. One, the marriage was opposed on political levels and there was some sort of vendetta or hatred towards my parents involved. Or Two, the marriage was opposed on a religious level and the men came from the Roman Catholic church. During that time there were still Gnostic Catholics, which are different from Roman Catholics. Gnostic Catholics retained the full teachings of Jesus Christ while the Roman Catholics removed portions of the spiritual teachings because they could not control the church members if the teachings remained. Gnostic Catholics much like the Knights Templar were a danger to the Roman Catholics control over the religious population. I speculate upon this second notion because there is something dark and sinister in the nature of the attack that I am not remembering. Something profoundly wrong n the action beyond the sheer cruelty of the act.